Still, it happened for a reason.

Somehow it is a habit to still be drawn here once in awhile, for it is totally an online journal which probably the only one who can understand all these is me. Every single year, there will be one point of time whereby I will read what was noted, randomly since the 2004. Say what? I was only 13 years old back then. Some are really hilarious but I do remember how it felt when it was written. (Only when I read it) When I set my mood right, my post is always very long because one thought leads to another including things I couldn't say it with flow.

Well, there are posts which I don't bother reading because the feeling is just too crappy and not worth to waste time reading it. I always thought this way, every girl deserves to be loved no matter how many flaws they have because there will always be a something that makes them special and flawless. Perhaps that's why people won't feel special since I am almost quite nice to the girls. Until... I met one during NAFA years who was totally a bitch which ruins that thought of mine. Even until I graduated, there will be a few classmate teasing that, "hey, she is working in the same company as me now" or "hey, hahah would you like to see her Facebook? It is so entertaining" Just an inside joke but we did check for the sake of curiosity. Whenever we did that, the result is always sigh as usual even after years nothing seems to change for her. Which still makes me conclude that, MAYBE not every girl really deserves to be loved. 

Over the years, people are coming in and out of my life. I mean is normal in everyone's life, because people come and go, all the times. Sometimes I do wonder why is my life so entertaining, of course I do deserved some of it x= well for some, I have make it seems like I deserved it for the things that wasn't even my intention. Well, this person came along with her belief in "there are words that are meant to be left unsaid". Seriously, nothing was said, she just take it all and 'left' me. I didn't understand why. Isn't it better to be said out so that people can understand? I believed, she said that for a reason.

Well, it makes sense to me two years later. Selfless or selfish, depends on how you judge it. Things are left unsaid for a reason whether the person is still in your life or not. It was left unsaid when she left because she foresees what might happened if she said to me. Yes, there is chances that I can understand when things are said clearly. That is exactly the reason why things are left unsaid because if I do understand, I will still be persistent to be around. She left for the good. That's what I thought even though I did once wished that she didn't. I mean who wouldn't wish the same right! =O 

After all she was there with me for a reason in the start. I trust the heart I felt, the eyes I looked into. Some things just cannot be seen. It depends on how much you trust the feeling or the person for certain things.

All these while, that nonchalant attitude of mine pulled me through a lot. There are times I just don't know how to confine to anyone, zero idea, really. Even if I did, is hard to understand, really hard. Sometime seeking for understanding doesn't help. Yes I live my own way, will be responsible for any consequences and others do not have the rights to brush off the people in my life, off my life. I felt that one point of time I am being lied to and my choices was expected. Why? Because I was being so obvious that if I cannot bring happiness, let the others be the one. I probably regret that I find out things too slow. 

Then again, it makes you feel better isn't it? Hardly anyone will really has that love staying for just one person when things are over. When another comes along, things will change. If I cannot bring the happiness, others can, isn't that better? At least it does for me when I no longer be able to give that happiness, but who says letting go was easy? Things happened for a reason. I remember how unbearable it was to be standing there and watch everything burned in front of me. It fucked my mind so much and I could even hardly breath. Makes me wonder, am I really feeling nothing? How do they even managed to be so persistent to assume those actually meant nothing to me? 

After all, probably it is for the best like it seems to be although when others start accusing, it is just towards me instead of you people who pushed me into that choice by making use of them. I treated that as extreme level up of mind fucking that I learnt after everything settled down. Well, guess there was needs for some strength to fight but somehow, I found none of it. It was so tiring to fight. when there isn't much motivation. I wished we will all know when to be selfless and when to be selfish. There are times, we just got to be selfish in love in order to keep the love you desire.